If I knew youd break my heart...
Monday, June 4, 2012
there comes a time where the old sayings do come true, you cant teach an old dog new tricks, that, that does not break you only makes you ...and and there is no cure for the broken heart....the only thing that i do know for sure is that the last statement is true...but falseno one is able to break you, youre you....despiter what people say...
best night ive had in years, i remembered who i was...a leader, not a conformist. flash foward to a smile. bonds are memories that are seeking more of an impact. i am that. i love and love to be loved but not at a cost of my integrity.the next chaptere becomes this, im amazing slighty broken, but not shattered.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
12:38AM - fu...dge.
This is the time what I realized that I hate michele, my life feels lost and alone, how do you compete with a cunt that you HAVE to live with?!
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
so i havent written in here in god knows how long....i have come to the conclusion that i have some of the best friends that people could ever ask for. i have friends that are there for me when i break and feel like my life will not go past what im going through. and i have friends through all the good parts. i have never met people that give themselves more to you than they give to themselves. i told someone today...or tonight..."the moment that youre true to yourself and stop caring what people will say about you...or think about you. is when you will meet youre core friends..." i meant it. bc i have found them. and id rather fight an endless battle than to let them go.
Wednesday, November 3, 2004
so yeah, its been like wow two whole months since i last updated, the club is still going....and im going to school and working...kind of sorta...not much is new just being a bum and making my life go to shit...i talk to like 3 people, and thats it, its weird, i need new friends, and a new environment....can say now that i no longer the person that i was before...im older with different ideas, and a new point of view about life...good for me i guess. i wish that i didnt hate people so much, oh well shit happens, i need a new computer, so that i can update...yay for updating, i miss you guys so if you wanna hang out leave me a message and ill post back with my numba<3
Saturday, August 7, 2004
the past few days have been a lot for me to deal with with the club going under and my love life being close to dust, my friends are the only thing right now that are helping me get through the day, i have reached this part in my life where i dont know what else to do, or where else to go, i feel as if i should just crawl into a hole and die...i dont know what the fuck is the matter with me, i know that the average person going though all of this would have probable started crying because of all of this that is going on, but i cant cry, and when im driving and im trying to make myself cry...i feel stupid bc all the tears are fake...they arent hpw i really feel....i feel so lost...and i dont care for once, i dont wish that i had a light, i dont wish that i guidance, i dont care about anything...
Saturday, July 3, 2004
2:26PM - what the fuck
im going to court...but that shit will be mine, even if i have to kill everyone in my path to get it..fuck you that builind will be mine whether you like it or not.
Saturday, June 26, 2004
11:24PM - i cannot cry for what i dont have,because i have done nothing to get the one thing that gives me joy
today was a day just like all the others, i woke up after only getting about 3 hours of sleep....i woke up and for the first time i wished that my life was different, that i knew everything in the world, even the things that would hurt more then anything in the world, i felt my life slip before my fingers and i saw life through a new set of eyes, i saw what my life had become, what my mind had become, and what i never wanted to be when i grow up. I sat by myself, and i wrote, im not sure what it is at this point all i know that it holds the key to my soul, and through it all it shows all that i feel, and all that i see. I holds the key to what i have become, from the child that could go through life without a care in the world to a girl that cannot go on living the life that shes had for the past 19 years. Most of what i wrote dont make sense, but if its like most of the things that i write, then a few months time, it will all be as clear to me as the brightest of days underneath the brightest of skys lit by the rays of the sun, and all will make sense and this feeling of despare will not exist and i will once again find clarity in life, but most of all i will find it in me. All day today i have been walking as if my soul had gone for a walk in the mist of my sleep, and lost its way home. i feel as if something is missing, something that i had before....but now there is this void that i feel....and i must do everything in my power to get it back, to make me feel whole again, to make me feel as if, i am me again...I guess it all began when i woke up the other day, and it hit me, i am not as well put together as everyone thinks that i am, as i used to think, i know that i need things in my life, not material things but things to fill my soul, i only wish that i knew where to find them...and with that being said i will share the last dream that i had, and it woke up so afraid to go back to sleep because i feared that if i did, i dont think that would have woken up....i saw myself in a forest walking with behind someone, i have yet to know who i am talking about, i was walking and talking, then all of a sudden they got sucked into the ground, i tried to run as fast as i could to help them, to help them come back to me, i sat near the ground crying to get them back, and i began to dig into the soil, as fast as i could and hard as i could, but i got nothing, then all of a sudden i began to cry. the place went black i out af all of this i saw a group of bright rays that were being lit before me, i looked up saw nothing but light, the entire forest as black as night, all except this area that seemed as if nothing could hurt it or tarnish it...it was clear, and as i looked into it, it seemed to stop my tear, and began to fill me with fear, i saw my life for what it was, and saw all my friends living without me...i saw life perfect, without me...i saw people dying, and people in pain, i saw children lost, and i saw war, i saw the world in all its beauty, and all its horrible states, for some reason that was the most frightening thing that i have ever seen, and i woke up in a panic...i have yet to figure out what all that meant...but to be honest, im so afraid to find out...
Tuesday, June 1, 2004
i dont know why that day was any different...why you are still the only person that can make me feel that way, and the sad part about it all is that you dont even know that you do that to me...that you are the only reason why i cant sleep at night...why i try to be better...why i try not to run into you...because every time that i do see you my heart stops and my it breaks all over again...i freeze...and my mind remembers..and i think again, what i could do to make it all better...to make you come back to me...and make you see that i can be better, that i can make an effort and that im not this person that you hate...but im still the person that you fell deep in love with...that at the end of the day, my heart is still crying from the state in which you left me in...and that at the end of the day...you are still the only person that i want to be with...i dont know that it was that i did to deserve all of this...but what i do know is that if i could...id make you stay...and id make you see that you mean more to me then all the stars in the sky and more to me then any jewel that anyone can admire...that i would want to be that person that you fall in love with everyday all over again...and never want to be away from...i want that more then anything in the world...if you were here, i would be saying all these things to you and not writing it here in this journal that you will never read...
Monday, May 17, 2004
9:34AM - you cant read this nigga
so yeah, on friday i got my hair cut....and it looks really hot....im leaving in like 3 weeks to go to Boston...yeah im so excited...hmm..things are good...i like where my life is right now...and what im doing with it. OKAY so yeah my birthday kind of sucked but was kind of cool at the same time...i got presents up the wazoo and yeah i felt all special...i cut my hair on friday...it looks really awesome and im in love with it now i cant stop touching in and yeah my hair is most likely going to fall out...and that would suck bc i cut like 6 inches from it. wow...i know its a lot. okay so i was talking to this guy from 24 hour fitness...hes cut i cant take it anymore, hes like a little kid that wont ever shut the fuck up..he always wants to hang out and i guess that what guys do...but he talks about nothing but himself and if thats not the topic of the conversation then the gym that he works for is...and i want to kill myself everytime that there is DRAMA AT 24..which there ALWAYS IS bc....FUCK Its open 24 hours a day...i love the new 18 visions...its grown on me...its not hardcore...its rock n' roll....but its awesome dont tell them that bc they are stuck up mother fuckers....so yeah...new 18 visions is good like huge piece of cake after youve worked out for 3 hours...well thats it for today....ill update later<3
Wednesday, December 31, 2003
9:47PM - a new year
fuck everything that happen this year..fuck everything that i liked this year...fuck everyone that i loved...fuck people that fucked with my life...
thanks to all of my friends that were there for me all year long..thanks to all that made a difference in my life...thanks to all the enemies that became my best friends...i love you guys soo much...hope you all have afun and safe night..i know i will... ♥♥♥♥♥♥